Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
