I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
