You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
