I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
