I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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