I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
