If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
