Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
