it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
