My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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