I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Randomize
