So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
