I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
