apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
