I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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