i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
