i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
