Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
