Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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