omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
