I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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