I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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