I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
