Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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