Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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