it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
This toilet bowl is my home.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
