Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
