I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
