Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
