Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Randomize
