phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
