we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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