Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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