All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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