I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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