I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
