I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
