SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I want her autograph on my taint
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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