in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Everything about him screamed your future.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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