Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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