dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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