I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I don't deserve a penis
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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