no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Bring me that man meat
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
