I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
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Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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