i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
