Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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