So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
