He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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