Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
