Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
