All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Randomize
