I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
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