If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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