Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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