i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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