We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
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The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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