her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
