Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
